Dear Prudence

Help! My “Brilliant” Girlfriend Is the Center of Attention Everywhere We Go.

In We’re Prudence, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped. The answer is available only for Slate Plus members.

A tiny man standing in a woman's large shadow.
Photo illustration by Slate. Images by panic_attack/iStock/Getty Images Plus and msan10/iStock/Getty Images Plus.

Each week in the Wednesday column, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped. She’ll post her final thoughts on the matter on Fridays.

Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to Anya, Elle D., Dawn W., Weird Is Good, Fairone, and Keep Shining for their ideas!

Dear Prudence,

I was in my late-twenties when I got together with my girlfriend. We met on trips to the pub after work (we worked at the same place, but not together), and I just found myself magnetically drawn to her all the time. When I told our colleagues we were dating, I heard all sorts of things about how wonderful she was, how much they all loved her … basically, she was the most brilliant person in every room, and she was choosing me. Nothing had ever made me feel so loved and so confident.

Two years on and I am finding a flip-side to this. Friends of mine that she’s got to know now text her more than they text me. People at parties ask me where she is and walk away if I say she’s not coming. My young nieces and nephews will wrap her in hugs and will hardly acknowledge me. One friend has been with her boyfriend for 10 years and he never wanted to hang out with me—now whenever we meet up, she passes on the message that he is coming and can I bring my girlfriend. The confidence that I first got from being the one chosen by “the sun” of every room she’s in now just makes me feel like I’m the guest star in my own relationship (actual words someone used to describe me). I obviously love that she fits in with my friends and family so well. How do I stop myself feeling I’m being squeezed out of my own relationships?

—Guest Star

Dear Guest Star,

The responses I received from readers when I shared your letter were so, so good! I was honestly stumped when it came to how to help you, and they made me feel hopeful that you can manage this situation and enjoy a relationship with your brilliant, magnetic girlfriend.

The person to talk to about this is your partner. Be vulnerable and open. We all have struggled at times with insecurities about not measuring up. If your partner is as wonderful as everyone thinks, they will be willing to go out of their way to make sure that you feel loved and appreciated, including in social settings. This could feel like giving you credit for the amazing guacamole or asking you to tell a funny story. They should also be on hand to remind you of all the reasons that they chose YOU. You must be pretty great!! Another strategy is to cultivate a new hobby or friend circle where people don’t know your girlfriend, and you get a chance to shine on your own. This is a healthy thing to do in any relationship, whether you’re having these feelings or not.


—Anya

You can’t fight it—I’ve been married to “the sun” for decades and it just is what it is. So question becomes whether you can live with it happily. Here are some questions to help you answer that:


-Is she self-aware? Does she know about this dynamic? Does she take steps to pull you in and shine the light on you at events? Does she have a sense of humor about her “power”? You need to be able to talk and laugh about it.


-Does she use her powers for good? My husband is genuinely a nice guy, who will do anything to help people. That’s critical when a person has the kind of charisma that would make them a great cult leader. You have to have absolute faith that they are driven by their morals, not their ego.


-Can you make it work for both of you? My “sun” and I both know that he’ll get a better result in any interaction with people, so he’s the one who negotiates deals or handles customer service issues. (Just like it makes more sense for him to reach things on the top shelf in the kitchen. Doesn’t make me lesser, just shorter.)


-Will she step back and let you sparkle? With our nieces and nephews, my husband understood that I needed to spend time with them without him. He takes them for hikes, I take them to shows and museums. He likes shows and museums, too, but he steps back because he knows I need that time with them alone.


-Can you handle the darkness? The sun can’t shine 24 hours a day. But people count on that light, so your partner will naturally sparkle out in public. That means that YOU will be the main—perhaps the only—one who sees the shadows and darkness. That can deepen your partnership, but only if you can handle the darkness on your own.


-Can you take steps to build/refuel your own confidence? You don’t want to ALWAYS be standing in the shade. Identify where you shine—at work, on a team, in a game—and be sure to keep that going. If you have anxiety or wrestle with confidence, you may want to consider therapy BEFORE you make any long-term decisions about this relationship.


-Can you both develop a few friendships that are just yours? You’ll need them—when she hurts you or even just acts like a jerk in some minor way, you need someone to vent to. Your joint friends will always be dazzled by the sun and they simply will not be able to act as your support system. (We do have a few joint relationships where people have realized that my “sun” is not perfect, but it took decades for it to sink in.) For the same reason, she absolutely can NOT vent to your joint friends about you because they will be quicker to take her side.

Your separate friends can certainly meet her and come to a party once in a while, but build the relationships around hobbies or sports or some other unique interest and be careful not to let them slide into a joint friendship.


Bottom line, it can work if she is aware and able/willing to work with you. But, people will still gravitate to her first forever. It’s absolutely OK if you decide you can’t handle that.


—Elle D.

In one couple I know, the woman is a superstar like your girlfriend: “Lara” is a former judge, the founder of a spiritual center who leads retreats, and a gourmet chef who, before retiring, used to throw legendary Christmas parties attended by everyone from hippy-adjacent spiritual seekers to members of the local bar and political scene. “Charles,” on the other hand, is more introverted, and particularly in the spiritual community he has always been a supporting player. Charles handled the situation by having several of his own things, and shining at them. He ran marathons. Before becoming disabled, he was a gifted musician.

He’s a baseball enthusiast. In the spiritual group, he models a male presence who never has to be a center of attention; but, if you sit and chat with him, you find in him a calm, wise, solid, and absolutely brilliant perspective that’s all his own—wrapped up in a wickedly great sense of humor.


Men in our culture are taught that things should revolve around them. And on a very human level, it has to feel hurtful that people who have always been “yours” now seem to be more “hers.” So, like Charles, find your strengths and develop new and different ways of relating with your life and with people. Let your Lara hold court while, perhaps, you have those quiet conversations off to the side. Cultivate unrelated hobbies that Lara doesn’t take part in, and find your solo community or communities there. A relationship with a Lara may well mean being a supporting player in your mutual relationships. So what? Without supporting players, after all, the whole show falls apart.


—Dawn W.

First, find a non-judgmental way to talk to your GF about this. Emphasize that she isn’t doing anything wrong—it doesn’t seem like you see her doing anything wrong—but do make space to explain what you are feeling. Also, for this conversation, don’t aim for any solutions.

I think beginning with simply being heard and understood will be enough—ask for this directly. Second, work on building and maintaining a life independent of your girlfriend. Hang out solo or in small groups with friends without your girlfriend. Take up hobbies or activities independent of your girlfriend. Work on connecting with your nieces and nephews independent of your girlfriend. Also, to extend your celestial bodies metaphor, be ok with not being the overpowering gravity and light of the “the sun.” Be the shifting subtlety of the moon. Be a planet on your own unique journey. Be a twinkling constellation with its own story. Not everyone needs to be the sun.


—Weird Is Good.

I unfortunately understand exactly what this person is struggling with, because I tend to get the same reaction from people. I have a few loved ones—sister, best friend, boyfriend—that I am certain have felt the same about me. Only one (boyfriend) ever said anything to me, in a joking manner. I can tell you how I think she feels when she is with her boyfriend. She more than likely has no or very little idea that this is a “thing,” she is probably a people pleaser to a fault, and is always trying so hard to make everyone happy and feel special that she thinks very little about how ultimately it becomes exhausting; pleasing everyone and always bringing your A game. You are in your 20s; I am guessing she is too. My best guess is she will eventually burn out, my burnout occurred in my late 30s (so it took a while). I would suggest be honest with her, but not make her feel that she can’t be herself; I know, tricky. Let her know you would still love her even if she wasn’t an All-Star all the time. But be sure that is the truth before you open that can of worms. Please know she is with you years now, you are exactly what she wants and loves; over everyone else she most wants to please you and make you proud. Her behavior is a direct reflection on how much she cares for you. Treat her with the same reverence.


—Fairone

I’ve been with my wife for 12 years and have a similar situation. I just choose to continue taking it as a compliment that I have such an amazing partner, and am glad to spend more time with friends and family than ever before. Try not to think of it as she outshines you, but that you are 1/2 of the shiny, happy couple everyone wants to be around.


—Keep Shining

My main takeaways from these responses—especially those from readers who have been in your shoes, have been in your girlfriend’s shoes, or know couples who have similar dynamics—are 1) Talk to her. Be vulnerable and open about how you feel. Naming what’s going on, while being sure not to place blame on her, will do a lot to decrease your shame and may lead to some ideas for ways in which she can support you, or you can get some validation and attention. 2) Lean into it! There’s a lot to enjoy about being in a relationship with someone so loveable, and you may thrive more if you let go of the idea of being socially equal. 3) Focus on your own strengths. Maybe you’re not making people squeal with excitement when they see you and rearrange their calendars to be in your presence, but you do have gifts and personality traits that make you special. And finally, 4) Make some room in your life to be in places away from you girlfriend where you can shine outside of her shadow. If you take all that advice, I’m hopeful that amazing qualities that drew you to her in the first place instead of allowing them to make you feel inadequate.