Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I am 95 percent certain I know the answer to this dilemma, I just can’t dislodge the illogical 5 percent that insists I am making the wrong call. My mother was an awful person. Not in any subtle, family-dynamic way, either. She was a public drunk, abuser, and general bigot. None of her five kids lived with her for long (thankfully, her one saving grace was that she picked men to father her children who could and would pay her for custody). She was also a victim of her own upbringing, but that is something I have come to terms with through therapy and isn’t relevant right now. That brings us to my current problem.
My sister Emily always struggled with the fact she was the child of someone like that. To the extent that when she had her own family she lied to them about our mother. Even though Mom was alive at the time, Em made her into the sainted dead to her husband and kids. A lie she’s kept up for decades. And I get that. It can be hard, sometimes, not to have the life and basic social relationships that people consider to be “included with purchase.” However, it means that her son, my nephew, thinks his grandmother was a lovely, sweet, politically engaged woman. And he wants to use that woman’s wedding ring, which I have, to propose to his boyfriend. My mother would have spat at him and called him a slur. Of course, he’s never going to know that. No one is going to tell him the truth about his grandmother at this point. But I just can’t shake the superstitious conviction that if I gave him the ring it would be bad luck somehow. It feels wrong. But it’s the right thing to do, right? Foster this lovely illusion for the new generations?
—Not Usually Superstitious
Dear Superstitious,
The instincts that make you 95 percent sure you shouldn’t do anything are correct. Don’t say a word. Your grandmother’s bigotry is not going to jump out of the ring and ruin your nephew’s marriage. I promise it won’t. And if he does somehow (not from you, because once again, you are not going to say a word) learn about who this awful woman really was, here’s the narrative you can encourage him to embrace: “Your mom and I were raised by an abusive person and general bigot. By reclaiming her ring and using it for a loving marriage between two kind, open-minded men, you’re symbolically setting our family on a new path and I’m grateful for that. If you decide to have children, they will have the kinds of parents we could have only dreamed of having.”
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Dear Prudence,
I’ve always been very disciplined about my grades in school, to the point where I’ve had full-on mental breaks over a 3.7 GPA not being a 3.9 (at minimum). Logically, I know it’s not good to nearly be sprouting gray hair over letters and numbers. However, I’ve actually got a good reason for it. My mom tends to be kinder to me if I get all or nearly all As. And besides, if I get amazing grades and graduate early, the hell that is living with them might end in two years as opposed to three. Is it really that bad to care this much if it could mean I earn my freedom sooner? How much does all of this matter in adulthood?
—Aiming for a 4.0
Dear Aiming,
I can’t tell from your letter whether you’re in high school or college. But either way, I understand how you could become fixated on your grades. Academic excellence feels like it’s the best way for you to get treated well in the moment and become independent eventually. It makes sense, and all ties back to you trying to create the best possible life for yourself. But I want you to think about what you actually, practically need to strike out on your own. Spoiler: It’s not just perfect grades. To graduate early, you only need to complete a certain number of credits. You don’t have to get an A-plus on everything. That’s not to say you shouldn’t try to do well! You absolutely should. But instead of “be perfect,” set some goals that actually connect to being able to support yourself so you can have some freedom from your parents.
If you’re in high school, ask a guidance counselor to help you look into schools that might offer you a generous scholarship, and research what it would actually take to earn one. Maybe that’s a combination of GPA and test scores. Maybe you’ll need to work on writing compelling personal statements and essays. If you’re in college, go to your school’s career services office and get some concrete advice on how to land a job in your field that will allow you to support yourself so you don’t have to rely on your parents. Talk to each of your teachers or professors (who I’m sure love you because you’re such a good student) and ask them for advice. See if they know anyone who might be a mentor. When a guest speaker comes, send them a thank-you note and stay in touch. You might want to think about a part-time job, so that when the moment is right, you can afford the actual move you’ll need to make in your own place, whether it’s a dorm, an apartment, or a house full of roommates. And take advantage of any counseling or therapy your school offers while you can get it for free! A mom who’s only kind to you under certain circumstances isn’t something you should have to endure, and you will be so much happier (and also more successful, I bet) if you can begin to heal from that now and build some relationships with other supportive adults into your life.
To answer your direct question, GPA doesn’t matter very much at all in adulthood. But having a plan, having people in your corner, and having good enough mental health to manage all the stress that can come with freedom are all things that matter enormously. Continue to study hard, but instead of obsessing over numbers, get excited about putting together the pieces of a life that feels better than the one you have now.
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Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our mid-30s. He has 9-year-old twins that I have had in my life since they were babies. His ex is a mess and didn’t bother to try and get her act together until this year. We shared equal custody with the maternal grandparents. She has never had custody or paid child support. She does the bare minimum when she feels like it and acts like the parent of the year and everyone lets her. I thought my husband had my back when it came to me acting as a mother to the twins and I thought I had a good relationship with the grandparents. Now his ex can straight up lie to the twins, (tell them I cheated on their father when she was pregnant when we hadn’t even met or I told her she can’t take the kids for treats ), called me a bitch to my face with no one even flinching. She is “working on” it. Both of the twins are acting out with my stepdaughter acting the worst and imitating her mother. She will not even call me by my name let alone mom.
Worst of all, I have miscarried twice this year. My husband wants to “put a pin in it” when it comes to having our own child. He will not give me any kind of timeline. I don’t even feel like a wife and mother anymore, just a deluded fool who was the unpaid housekeeper that my husband wanted to sleep with. Our insurance doesn’t cover therapy so I am working extra shifts to pay for the twins to see someone. I feel like I have to act now or I will lose my chance at motherhood. I don’t know if that means staying or going.
—Step Mom
Dear Step Mom,
“Put a pin in it” is what you do to the off-topic suggestion of a colleague on a Zoom call that’s already gone 15 minutes over. It’s not what you do in a discussion about whether to have children. My sense is that your husband may not know exactly how urgent it is to you to do all you can to hopefully have a biological child. I’m sure it’s hard to find time to talk with two 9-year-olds acting out on top of all of life’s other responsibilities. But you have to let him know how serious this is. If he refuses to get on board, you have my permission to seriously contemplate whether you want to stay in this marriage. In fact, your desire to become a mother might be the motivation you need to get out of a situation that isn’t working for you in a number of ways. Angsty kids and fertility issues aside, feeling like a deluded fool and unpaid housekeeper is no way to live.
Classic Prudie
My sister-in-law has had an affair with a 17-year-old boy (she’s 35) and might be pregnant. My sister has taken off with their twins to go stay with our mother in Mexico. Oh yes, my mother moved there two years ago to join a cult. She left the cult but stayed in the country. Our dad is still married to her, despite his five-year relationship with his “housekeeper” he thinks we don’t know about.
