Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I have been involved in a long-distance situationship (intimate friends) for three years. We met once then became friends online, and that is where it blossomed. I have visited her once and it was a very intimate and fun experience for both of us, although she did mention once or twice while I was there that she noticed my body odor. I took care of it ASAP every time, it didn’t seem like a big deal. Anyway, we have been planning on another visit, but she keeps bringing up the BO problem and has even said “if it is as bad as last time, you have to get a hotel and can’t stay with me.” Which is confusing because we were very intimate last time and she didn’t seem to mind; she was enjoying herself quite a bit and said so for weeks afterwards. Should I just take her advice and be super diligent about BO or is this emotional manipulation of some sort? My close friends tell me they never notice my body odor, and I bathe once to twice daily and use deodorant every day as well as brush multiple times a day. Also, and here’s the dinger, she has untreated BPD.
—Questionably Stinky Lover
Dear Stinky Lover,
Well, I only see two real options here. Either she is either being intentionally unkind, or she truly thinks you stink. We don’t need her mental health history to know that neither option is great and neither sets you up to have a fun and fulfilling time being around each other in person again. This is one of those things that may have to remain a mystery as you continue your long-distance situationship without in person visits—which is a situation, I’m guessing, you may not want to extend for too much longer.
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Dear Prudence,
We have a family wedding coming up, and our son and his spouse, “Chris,” are coming for the first time since Chris came out as nonbinary in 2019. Our large family is loving and open, but none of us have experience with using they/them as singular pronouns and we have known Chris for decades as she (and by another name). Chris has clearly feminine features and has always dressed androgynously, so looks the same. Try as we might, we still blow it when speaking about them. We have Chris = them/them/their signs around the house, have watched videos and read books, talked with other nonbinary people, and my husband and I get it right only about 80 percent of the time. The rest of my family won’t do half that well, although they have managed the name change. Chris has told us that being mis-pronouned is like having acid poured on their soul, so we know this is a BFD to them. Other than a blanket apology upfront and more when we realize we’ve blown it, what can we do?
—Anxious About Offending
Dear Anxious,
I’m really trying to figure out how many times, at a family wedding, you will even need to use a third-person pronoun for Chris. I imagine you saying things like “Hi, how are you?” “Great to see you!” “It’s been so long.” “When did you get in?” “Did you try the shrimp skewers—oh, look, here comes a waiter with more.” “Isn’t the bride’s dress beautiful?” “Look at the ring bearer and flower girl dancing. How adorable!” and “Did you get a cake yet?” When would you be talking about them in the third person in their presence? Are you going to look at your son and say “How’s work going for her … oops, I mean them?” No, you’re just going to say “How’s work going?” while looking Chris in the eye.
I know that you want to be considerate here, and I applaud that. You’re doing much better than a lot of people out there! I also know that the fear of doing the wrong thing and causing harm can be overwhelming. But please rest assured that Chris cannot see inside your head where you are still, despite your best intentions and your homemade signage, processing them as “she” as a result of the way the world you were raised in is wired your brain. If there’s a scenario that I haven’t thought of in which you think a misgendering is really likely, a warning is the way to go. Tell your son, very apologetically, that your pronoun success rate is 80 percent and you are really trying to improve, but his partner should be the one to decide if attending the wedding is worth the risk of being misgendered.
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Dear Prudence,
My wife and I married 10 years ago when her children were in college and mine were just out of college. We had both been divorced and alone for many years when we met and we were happy to find each other. For the first several years of the marriage, we did holidays at our home with various configurations of children and their partners and friends joining us. All of the kids are now married and starting families of their own. The holidays have become a yearly struggle for me. Somehow, we have spent the last few years spending every single holiday with her children, and none with mine. There are always reasons, but the bottom line is that we haven’t spent a holiday with my kids in years. Last year, I told her that I was not willing for things to continue this way. She agreed and we decided to spend Christmas with my daughters and grandchildren on the opposite coast. But now my wife is balking. She says we should stay here because her daughter is pregnant. And that it will be easier to celebrate locally. I told her she was free to do that, but I will still be heading to my daughter’s home. She is very angry that I’m “choosing my kids over her.” I don’t know where to go from here. For the record, we will be spending Thanksgiving with her kids.
—Holiday Blues
Dear Holiday Blues,
She’s being unreasonable. You just have to go and let her have her feelings. Don’t get into a fight. Don’t say anything you’ll regret or have to apologize for, because that will cast a shadow over your holiday. Accept that her being upset doesn’t mean you are wrong. Leave a nice gift for her, and for her pregnant daughter. Change is hard. And when other people (even people who are your spouse!) don’t prioritize your feelings, you have to lead the way by doing it yourself. This will be easier next year.
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
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