Each week, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with a colleague or friend, just for Slate Plus members. This week Jenée Desmond-Harris discusses her response to “Mr. Photogenic” with fellow Slate writer (and also her husband) Joel Anderson.
Dear Prudence,
A friend of mine is a great filmmaker and I LOVE his photo work. I asked him for a photoshoot for a business I am starting. He agreed, but stipulated that he would not allow me to look at the monitor during the photoshoot. I felt comfortable enough that he would take care of me. I paid over $2000 for the space rental and photos … and I hate them all. Mainly because little adjustments like suck it in, back straight, put your shoulders down weren’t given to me. I am mad at myself for allowing the shoot to happen this way, but seething at him too. I have not been able to talk to him. He’s sent messages and I’ve told him, I’m just not ready. I have a different photographer who will get me right for the business, but is my friendship over? I’m still so angry. What should I do?
—Mr. Photogenic
Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.
Jenée Desmond-Harris: I sincerely love the confidence here because I would have been like “Oh no, the pictures are bad because I looked bad.” Meanwhile LW is like “I look great, it’s just that nobody told me to put my shoulders down.”
Joel Anderson: Yeah, I’d be like, “Well, there’s only so much my talented photographer friend could do with the material in front of him.” But I guess the LW has had other, better photoshoots before and they’re judging those against this one that didn’t go nearly as well.
Haven’t you had a photoshoot before that you weren’t excited about?
Jenée: Yep …
Joel: I should quickly interject here that it was definitely the photographer’s fault. You’ve got all the material necessary and then some to create some great photos. But ok, continue …
Jenée: Thank you for putting that lovely sentiment on the record. But even with my headshot shoot for my Prudie photos, I looked like a deer in the headlights in 90 percent of them. And this involved a photographer and TWO assistants telling me where to look and stuff. And my hair had completely frizzed up. So there were like twelve that I liked out of hundreds. The photographer was very talented, but she couldn’t make my eyes NOT do what they were doing. Which was looking terrified.
All that to say, photos can be rough! It’s not an attack on you when that happens. Side note: Readers, we have started getting family photos done and the photographer uses her mom as her assistant. The mom is VERY particular and bossy about exactly how you hold your hands and everything and talks at length about her reasoning for each instruction. I just watch Joel slowly dying inside as it happens. But the results are good!
Joel: It’s true. It’s extremely taxing and draining and at the end of the session, we’re almost always delighted. But that doesn’t mean that all photographers need to nag—and neg—you to death to produce quality work.
The other piece of this, that I know there will be some debate about, is that I really prefer to not hire friends to do work. There’re so many ways in which it can go awry, and you don’t want to put that kind of stress on your personal relationships. Sure, I know there’s examples of it working out great! Congrats to you if you’re one of those people! But I tend to be much more conservative about mixing my buddies with my business.
Jenée: I didn’t even think of that but it’s a great point. I have a friend who just lost a friend who she had hired to redo her kitchen. He took the money she gave him to buy the appliances she wanted and then bought “similar” cheaper versions and kept the difference. More commonly, people aren’t scammers, but are just not great at their jobs.
Joel: Exactly. And for our LW, it’s already too late. They’re disappointed, they’re mad, and they’re not sure if they can forgive their friend. I would not recommend dumping a friend because they didn’t meet your professional expectations. But I might suggest the LW broaching their dissatisfaction, in somewhat muted and respectful terms, and seeing how their friend responds. Maybe they’ll suggest a free follow-up appointment! Or recommend another photographer! Or issue a refund!
Though I don’t recommend working with friends, one advantage of this is that the LW can try to be as honest as they possibly can and see where it goes.
Jenée: Yeah they can just write back to the email that contains the files and say “It was really great working with you! I have to be honest and say none of the final images were what I had in mind so I won’t be using them on my website. I didn’t want you to be surprised if you saw different ones. But I do appreciate your time!”
Joel: Because I’m deathly afraid of being misunderstood or having someone I love think I’m mad at them, I might add: “I’m really sorry if I’m being a little too neurotic about this. I just don’t feel like I was looking my best that day. This isn’t your fault; I probably could have communicated what I wanted a little better” or something along those lines.
Jenée: As always, you’re editing my sensitive emails to be softer and kinder.
This is why people like you. That’s really good.
Joel: Well, aren’t we a mutual admiration society today? (And everyday.) But thank you!
Jenée: The vibes are so good that I’m not even going to go back and add in a note about how the family photo instructions caused you to pull a groin muscle last time!
Joel: It was more of an abdominal muscle but either way, I think those 30-pound white Adidas shoes you bought for me were partially the culprit.
Jenée: The theme of the day—for you and the LW—is not taking personal responsibility.
