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Dear Prudence,
I like to host gatherings at my house a few times a year—think, BBQs in the spring/summer and informal dinners in the colder months. My long-time friend “Erin” almost always attends. About one-and-a-half years ago, Erin, following a doctor’s advice, went on a slightly restrictive diet to see if it helped with some medical issues she was having. I had plans to host a dinner a few weeks after she began this, but I was happy to make accommodations. Then, in the weeks and months that followed, she began modifying this diet—adding back certain things and taking away others. I learned that this was not on the advice of the doctor, but rather, her own internet research.
I have had two more parties since, and for each one, I had to check with Erin to see what her latest “diet” was. Now, I plan to host again for a couple of weeks, and Erin, of course, has new restrictions—things like, she can’t eat certain vegetables because they cause inflammation. I’m about ready to tell Erin she has to bring her own food. This just seems absurd to me. She’s not getting actual medical advice anymore, she’s doing her own thing. I think I’ve already been more than understanding, but how much longer do I have to keep catering to Erin’s imaginary needs?
—What’s Next?
Dear What’s Next,
You don’t have to cater to Erin’s needs a minute longer. In fact, you never had to cater to her needs. You’re allowed to decide that you only prepare special food when the guest presents a doctor’s note, that you cater to allergies but not intolerance, or that you allow two special requests per year and no more. Hell, you don’t even have to invite her over. But this isn’t really about what you have to do, is it? It’s about the kind of friend and host you want to be, how far you can go to make your friend comfortable and still enjoy the dinners you host, and how comfortable you feel communicating any limit to her.
One thing that might help you make a decision that feels good to you is to change the way you’re thinking about her. Maybe she’s not “doing her own thing” and being “absurd” and creating “imaginary” needs, but dealing with some real struggles with her health and desperately (if misguidedly!) trying to solve them. It sounds like she may be susceptible to questionable advice and misinformation. But I doubt she’s trying to be difficult or high-maintenance. And she’s not doing this for fun. She’s in a bad place.
To balance her comfort with your desire to host without having to make your own ranch dressing out of ground-up cashews or whatever, why don’t you say something like, “I’m not sure where you are with the foods you are avoiding, but I want to make sure I have at least something you can eat—here’s the menu. Is there anything there that will work or anything simple I can pick up for you to make sure you aren’t hungry? Fruit salad? Hummus? If you want to bring something you know you can have, that’s great, too!” My best guess is that food is a source of stress for her and she’s not expecting to have the best meal of her lifetime. She might be perfectly happy to enjoy the company and nibble on the (non-inflammatory) veggie tray.
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Dear Prudence,
A few months ago I was promoted at my company and moved to a new office. I was introduced to many people at one time, but one guy in particular stood out from his eye contact. Well, little did I know, he had a crush on me from that moment on. I laid under the radar, but when he was in office he would always say hi. Long story short, he started doing little gestures that were very kind, and I picked up on it. We ended up connecting on Teams, getting to know each other, and going out to dinner. He had a business trip that same month and invited me to go on a whim. We had an amazing time together, I felt safe with him. We also didn’t take it to the next step (if you know what I mean) because I told him we would have to be in a relationship first, and he was OK with it. He paid for everything and was a total gentleman, he took me around his friends and close co-workers, and he even took me to see his old place.
After the trip, we talked and he said he didn’t want to commit to anything at the moment because of his schedule, which I understand because I am just as busy, but I was totally surprised because of the weekend we had just spent together. After that, we stopped communicating as much. He will text me maybe once a week and let me know he misses me. When he’s in town, he will visit my office daily to chat for a few minutes and we’ve gone to lunch a few times since. He says he wants to be with me but doesn’t want to neglect the potential relationship. Am I foolish to believe this? Does he really like me but maybe it is just timing? I just want to know if I should think there may be a future with this guy or not. We are still pretty fresh, having only known each other for roughly four months. Is he just wanting to take it slow or is he just playing with me?
—Please Say He’ll Be Mine
Dear He’ll Be Mine,
We can look at both his actions and his words and they’re actually both saying pretty much the same thing: He likes you a lot, but not enough to prioritize a relationship with you right now—or possibly ever. If you enjoy the time you spend with him and the texts you get from him, there’s no reason to pull back. But absolutely don’t let this stand in the way of being open to other relationships with people who have the same readiness to commit that you do and are excited to make time for nurturing a connection.
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Dear Prudence,
After struggling with depression and episodic suicidal thoughts for many years, I finally reached a breaking point, and my therapist recommended that I check myself into a partial hospitalization program (PHP). It’s going well so far, but my question is about my parents. Neither has a history of mental health issues/treatment, and they really don’t understand why this happened (I haven’t told them about the suicidal thoughts). I let them know by a family email, and they were immediately concerned but seemed to feel better after they talked to me.
However, I had a phone call with my mom this morning, and after briefly asking how I was doing, she continued to have a conversation as if nothing was going on. This is part of a pattern where my mom seems really uncomfortable talking to me about my mental health and rarely asks or talks about it. My dad is actually a bit more open, but he still doesn’t “get it.” My suspicion is that they feel guilty that I have depression (I don’t blame them at all) and think they did something wrong to cause it. So that makes me feel like I have to reassure them that I’m OK, even when I’m not. I guess my question is, should I address the guilt with them? If so, how? I suspect the answer is that I should just focus on getting better right now and put them on an information diet. At the same time, I want them to want to know what’s going on. They say they think about me all the time, but they rarely call or email, so it’s kind of hard to believe.
—Don’t Need the Guilt, Thanks
Dear Don’t Need the Guilt,
It’s really hard to change your parents and it’s even harder to do so when you need to be using just about all of your energy to take care of yourself and your mental health. Plus, there’s something about the idea of addressing and soothing their guilt while you’re right in the middle of an intense program that doesn’t sit well with me. What if they don’t respond well? What if they don’t respond at all? What if something about your message makes them lash out and criticize you? Maybe the therapists you’re working with have thoughts on this. And if they do, you should listen to them over me!
If not, my suggestion is to wait. Wait until you’re more stable. Wait until you have some distance from your suicidal thoughts. Wait until you’ve had a chance to talk about your relationship with your parents in therapy. Wait until you feel you’ll be able to handle whatever their reaction is, even if it’s, “Of course we don’t feel guilty! This is all your own fault.” Wait until you know you have at least three other people you can call immediately if they disappoint you. In the meantime, use the prompt, “How are you?” that comes at the beginning of each conversation to give them a bit more detail each time, without the expectation that they will ever fully “get it.”
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