Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I am terrified of ending up with someone who hides their debt from me. My father did that to my mother and it ruined her. She wasn’t able to get any relief even after she divorced him. I’ve been dating “Tod” for about six months and I honestly think he could be the one. I don’t have any reason to believe he’s hiding any debt from me, but I do notice that he spends much more on things that I consider luxuries. He doesn’t make more money than me. We’ve had a few talks about money and he only seems slightly averse to credit card debt, whereas I am extremely averse. I feel like I’m looking for any little sign that something is wrong with his finances, but I very highly doubt I will. It’s so early to talk about forever finances, so I’m at a loss for what to do.
—Financial Future Foibles
Dear Financial Future,
I understand why you would be afraid of that happening. Some spouses do hide their financial spending, which results in repercussions you can’t bounce back from. You both also have seemingly different opinions about what are considered luxuries versus what should be part of a “normal” lifestyle. Six months together is the perfect time to start talking about money, especially if you think he is the “one.” But those questions don’t have to be about “forever finances.”
Start small, and ask questions when you both have downtime. This will start to give you an idea of where his money goes and his feelings about spending. This list has 50 questions about money that you can use as icebreakers if you’re unsure where to start. When he answers, take mental notes and actually listen. You can’t change people, only an individual can alter the way they act. The last thing you want to do is move in together and be surprised by five figures of credit card debt. (That’s not to say people can’t change, as I speak from personal experience.) But opening up about money now will allow you to see what the future could look like together.
For further reading, I highly recommend Jumpstart Your Marriage: A 4 Week Guide to Building Wealth Together by Elle Martinez. Despite not being married yet, this book can be a great resource for later on.
But I will say, outside of your partner, you should be working on the financial anxiety you’re experiencing from the events that occurred during your childhood. These kinds of experiences stay with us and can dictate our reactions and decision-making as adults. Check out the Financial Therapy Association, which is filled with resources you can access both online and in person. Good luck.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
How do I fight lifestyle creep? I live in an expensive city, with a job making just under the median wage. But it’s enough for me to have some things I’ve always wanted: an unshared apartment, medical care I couldn’t afford in my 20s, and occasional trips. I have a few months of expenses saved but I also have $10,000 in student loans and a few thousand dollars in car loans. I can’t seem to save more than that, and I find myself spending on things my higher-paid co-workers do that I never did before: takeout, clothes I don’t love, and stuff like that. How do I stop thinking that stuff is necessary? I have the things I’ve always wanted! I know part of it is that most people combine expenses with a partner but I love living separately from mine, and I know that’s part of the price.
—I Have Enough
Dear I Have Enough,
Lifestyle creep is hard to fight, so don’t feel like a failure. Going from living on smaller means to being able to afford most of the things you want makes it hard to prioritize your financial goals. It sounds contradictory, but I experienced stress as soon as I started to make more. I had been in survival mode for so long that I didn’t know how to thrive once I had the resources to do so.
As for how to stop believing that these extraneous purchases are necessary, keep this in mind: Obtaining new possessions can create a loop where you feel like you need to keep continuously buying new things. Think about it. You’re hanging out with your co-workers and they say let’s go get coffee. Even if you don’t like coffee or don’t need a new dress or whatever it is they invite you to buy, you’re going to feel inclined to join in. One, so you can fit in, but two, because you may think your lifestyle now requires you to buy more in order to upkeep it. Make a list of items you don’t want to buy or don’t like to spend money on and stick to it. Go over it before you’re in situations where you might be tempted to spend and have a backup plan in case you randomly find yourself in the situation. For example, you can return a dress that you don’t need. Keep coffee and snacks on you. Have emergency frozen meals in the fridge at home so that you can eat in less time than it takes to load up Uber Eats.
You didn’t mention you had one, but even if you do, you should create a new budget to reflect your expenses and current income. Subtract your expenses from what you’re now bringing in to see what you actually have to work with. Sometimes, we mentally inflate our income once we’re making more, so you might be surprised to find you don’t have as much coming in as you thought. Now, create two financial goals for yourself. Divide any extra income between your two financial goals. I’d also suggest looking at your expenses and trying to cut them back by $50. Then every month raise that amount by $20. After a year, you’ll have cut back quite a good chunk of spending, which will encourage you to keep up the good work.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My sibling (23) and their boyfriend (21) live together, mostly for financial reasons. Their relationship started strong, but recently the boyfriend lost his job. He refuses to get another, won’t pay bills, spends all day drunk/high, and has even threatened suicide when my sibling expressed unhappiness with him. (And refuses therapy!) My sibling is determined to make this work, but he’s not matching their effort, and they seem drained. I am happy being the supportive long-distance older sister for both vent seshes and advice, and they’re generally receptive as long as my advice isn’t “dump him.” But his lack of effort in all areas is gradually becoming more apparent and more stressful. I don’t want to shut my sibling down by breaking the one rule, but come on. What’s the point at which I stop biting my tongue? And how do I do it in a way that’s appropriately both gentle and firm?
—I Think They Should Dump Him
Dear They Should Dump Him,
While the reason for moving in was originally for financial reasons, that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Since their boyfriend won’t pay his bills and he’s not working, I assume your sibling is covering all of their expenses. It’s also downright abusive to threaten suicide to your partner when they’re trying to bring up an issue with your behavior.
Instead of simply advocating they dump him, you need to encourage your sibling and continue being that safe place for them. Next time they call, ask if they’ve thought about getting themselves into therapy without their boyfriend. You can share that you really care about them, and you can see that they seem to be struggling lately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline actually has some tips for how to broach that conversation with a loved one that might be helpful to you. Hopefully, hearing from an objective third party like a therapist might help them view the situation differently.
The Power and Control Wheel is also a great resource that you might want to share with them or just use as a way to learn more yourself. Domestic violence isn’t just physical, it can also manifest itself as financial abuse, or coercion and threats. Ask your sibling how you can be there for them, listen, and follow through.
—Athena
Classic Prudie
Like many people, I’m working mostly from home. My office typically uses Skype for communicating throughout the day. We frequently call each other on that platform, sometimes with cameras turned on, sometimes turned off. My friend and colleague “Emily” called me the other day to discuss something. I didn’t have my camera on, but she did. She was at home in her bathrobe, and during our conversation, she disrobed and changed into her day clothes. I assume she forgot the camera was on, since she couldn’t see me.
