In Sex Reviews, writers offer a sober critical assessment of the sex scenes in new releases. This installment contains spoilers for Red, White & Royal Blue.
Since its Prime Video debut last Friday, the R-rated queer romcom Red, White & Royal Blue has dominated the streaming service, taking the platform’s No. 1 Movie spot over the weekend. An adaptation of Casey McQuiston’s 2019 bestselling novel of the same name, the movie follows the U.S. president’s son, Alex Claremont-Diaz (Taylor Zakhar Perez), and the “spare” English prince, Prince Henry (Nicholas Galitzine), as they ride the enemies-to-lovers roller coaster of falling in love. The movie is being celebrated for displaying “quietly radical” queer sex scenes that “matter” because of their realism, a main goal of the director, Matthew López, who wanted to make a romantic comedy that foregrounds queer intimacy.
But just how groundbreaking, really, are those depictions of intimacy? And just as crucially, are they hot? For a movie that’s being credited as a great display of gay sex, queer understanding, and how to navigate the two, it’s important to evaluate its efforts. Below, Slate culture writer Nadira Goffe and associate editor and Outward podcast host Bryan Lowder take a close look at this very special relationship.
33:00: Henry Indulges in a New Year’s Eve Tradition
Nadira Goffe: Up until now, we’ve come to know Alex and Henry as two heirs whose main job is to keep their families happy and in power. We also know that they totally hate each other. When an incident where they end up toppling a very large cake at a royal wedding becomes a PR disaster—which, can I say, the severity of the Cake Incident’s blowback didn’t make much sense to me—leads to them spending time together as damage control, they become friends and start to catch feelings. These are feelings they’ve always secretly had for each other, of course. But it isn’t until Alex invites Henry to his New Year’s Eve party that things start to get heated, when Henry, who leaves the party to deal with his frustration about harboring feelings for Alex that he can’t act upon, ambushes Alex, who comes outside to check on him, with a kiss. For me, the kiss is pretty standard rom-com fodder.
Bryan Lowder: “Ambush” is a great word choice for this first kiss—which, we must point out, takes place at a Secret Service–nightmare of a party on the White House lawn—because it gets at the lack of chemistry between these two characters that really hamstrings the rom part of the rom-com. Alex is totally oblivious to Henry’s attraction (and to, like, everything) and—while, yes, sexual self-discovery has no universal schedule—in the next scene we get the pretty hard-to-believe revelation, given his age and social world, that Alex is only just recognizing that he’s maybe “low-level into guys.” (And indeed, we also learn that he’s already had a few bi experiences, including with the conniving gay journalist Miguel, who is honestly the only person in this movie I really liked! But I digress.) This kiss is not an auspicious beginning for our trans-Atlantic lovers!
39:40 and 41:20: Alex and Henry’s Secret Make-Out in the White House’s Red Room Leads to Much More
Bryan: Thankfully, things start to heat up a little at a state dinner, when Alex and Henry steal a few moments alone in the “Red Room” study with the help of Alex’s bodyguard. It’s here that our boys get to some real kissing and heavy petting once Alex reveals that he is, in fact, high-level into the prince with a gruff “shut up, stop talking” and classic bit of push against the wall and lift onto nearby table blocking. Though naturally this rendezvous is almost immediately interrupted, leaving the guys bashful and, uh, boned up. I wouldn’t normally use that sort of language at work except that they themselves do, as they reenter the event. “Stonehenge” and “Big Ben” might have been invoked. I have to say, this scene might have been the spiciest for me out of a relatively tepid buffet—it was a tiny bit transgressive and had that new-lust sweaty-grin quality that’s always fun. And of course, it left our fellas wanting more.
Nadira: Agreed! It’s a hot kiss! Though I could have done without the “Your Royal Hardness” quip afterward (“Stonehenge” and “Big Ben” got the point across, I think), I do love the transgressiveness you mention. This entire thing unfolds in the middle of a U.S. dinner honoring the U.K. prime minister, and when Alex grabs Henry’s butt, causing Henry to yelp in front of the esteemed honoree and Madam President (Uma Thurman), I earnestly chuckled. Moments later, Alex tells Henry to come up to his room after the dinner so Alex can do some “very bad things” to him, and I ironically chuckled when it turns out that it’s Henry who will be doing the “very bad things.” They waste no time from Henry knocking on the door to him unbuttoning Alex’s shirt, pushing Alex onto the couch, unzipping his pants, and going down on him. They briefly exchange a few sentences along the lines of I liked you all along as they get started before the scene cuts away (to the Washington Monument, in another subtle geopolitical metaphor) and returns to them, post-oral.
Seeing as though Henry is still fully dressed, it’s clear that Alex was the only one on the receiving end of the action. Afterward, they clear the air about their sexual status—Alex is bisexual, Henry is “as gay as a maypole,” which is a reference Alex funnily doesn’t get—and agree to keep their fling going, but casual. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I didn’t find this to be as hot as their make-out sesh moments earlier! It didn’t feel as yearning, shocking, or eager. And the sex scene was so short (a theme of this movie, as we’ll see) that we had no time to really process the fact that they’re taking a big step into doing much more than just kissing.
46:50: Henry and Alex Have a Post-Game Debriefing
Nadira: Henry then invites Alex to fly across the pond and be his guest at a charity polo match, and this is when Alex finally returns the sexual favor. The movie proceeds to cut between scenes of Henry on horseback playing polo and him and Alex getting cozy in the equipment tent as some pretty intense bagpipe music is raging in the background. They share some steamy making out, and this time it’s Alex who sits Henry on top of some table, unbuckles the other man’s belt, and pulls down his royal pants. Annnnnd … that’s all we get before they’re both leaving the tent, with Alex straightening his tie. I liked this—it seemed to be pretty hot—but it was, again, so short! It’s a wonder to me how this movie somehow has shown us two sex scenes but still doesn’t feel remotely sexy or salacious. Am I wrong here?
Bryan: You are not wrong! I feel like the main thing I was hearing in the leadup to this film was that it was going to be wildly sexy—apparently the book was—and … that is just not the case. If anything, I found it somewhat old-fashioned and shy about actually showing us anything, more so than a lot of what you might see on any given (albeit straight) movie on the Lifetime channel (which is definitely where this thing should have been released, in terms of overall quality). Like, yes, it implies that gay/bi men do blowjobs and anal sex, but it’s actually pretty conservative about representing those things in any meaningful way, or really even showing much skin, especially given the R rating!
Speaking of blowjobs, I need to rant for a second about the two you described. There are definitely guys out there who are into a quasi-kink called “no recip” oral (i.e., no reciprocation). You will see it on Grindr profiles, etc. But I am gonna go ahead and say that this is NOT normal beyond that prearranged situation, and certainly not the first time you actually get naked with someone. I have two gay partners at home and all three of us actually gasped aloud when it became clear that Henry had gotten nothing that first time. Like, girl, love yourself better than that! There’s just no excuse. Unlike with anal sex, where (as we’ll see!) there may need to be some instruction for first-timers, oral is pretty obvious between people with penises. Alex is just lazy (or … poorly written). I appreciate that things are reversed later in the stables, but gay sex is not some kind of weird seesaw? Everyone can get off every time, I promise!
For more on Red, White and Royal Blue, Listen to Outward
50:00: Henry and Alex “Make Love”
Bryan: Speaking of anal, our next scene takes place against the romantic backdrop of the City of Light, Paris—or a bad green-screen of it, anyway. And perhaps it’s that romance that inspires Henry to suggest to Alex that they finally “make love” that evening. (I’m just going to leave aside the idea that blowjobs don’t count as “real” sex.) Alex rightfully dunks on him for using that phrase, but he is very, as he puts it, “down” for the act. There’s just one problem: Alex hasn’t fucked before, and, uh, um, “Who’s gonna do what?” It’s here that Henry comes through with his best line of the film, in my humble opinion: “I went to an English boarding school, dear. You’re in good hands.” But it’s really all downhill from there. I know that a lot of people are out here in the discourse saying this is the most important scene of gay intimacy they’ve ever seen, but I just don’t get it. Yes, we get a sense that penetration is happening, but where is the lube? (Lube should always be visible in gay sex scenes!) Why does Alex’s ridiculous key necklace look like it is about to poke Henry in the eye? And why, for the love of god, does Alex start a conversation about their relationship the very moment he is inside of Henry? “I can’t believe how wrong I was about you.” Who does that?! Then it’s just a bunch of doughy caresses and intertwined fingers and no one having an orgasm, because again, we must flee the scene as quickly as possible.
Nadira: I don’t think there’s a single orgasm in the whole movie! Which is simply neither informational nor fun. And let me say one more thing in total agreement with you: I don’t think lube is properly represented in sex scenes of any variety for any community—it’s a handy tool that’s used more often than you’d think if movies and television were anything to go by. Overall, this moment rang pretty anticlimactic for me, pun not intended. If only the movie were as interested in the outcome they’re working toward as it is in their jewelry.
1:08:40: Alex Comes Out
Nadira: I’ve never had to come out to anybody as anything other than a critic of cake (there are so many better desserts, guys), so I mostly want to hear your thoughts on this, Bryan. The movie alludes to another incredibly brief (I’m talking a few seconds) tryst between our two loverboys which ends in them getting caught by the White House’s deputy chief of staff, who forces Alex to tell his mother, the president, about their relationship. Basically, this means coming out to Uma Thurman, who greets him with support and love—“You know the ‘B’ in ‘LGBTQ’ is not a silent letter?” she reminds Alex—in her horrible Texan accent that I can’t get enough of. She then proceeds to have “The Talk” again with her son, listing the precautions he should be following, including taking PrEP and getting the HPV vaccine if he’s bottoming.
The movie makes strong efforts to let us know that Alex’s parents are pretty liberal despite being the leader of the free world and a Texan congressman (who, in my second-favorite line of the movie, after the one you mentioned, jokingly calls himself the “Patron saint of gender-neutral bathrooms in Austin”). I do love how supportive Alex’s parents are, and I think it’s good practice to see a parent respond to their child’s coming out with important and helpful questions, not just an “I love you.” However, this movie not only seems to have weird pacing but also a weird understanding of consequences and stakes. Alex’s mother is very mad at him for accidentally knocking a cake over but not for keeping a secret that he’s sleeping with a literal prince of England? There’s no discussion about how they’re going to logistically handle the boys’ relationship.
Bryan: At this point in the movie I honestly kind of dissociated out of self-protection. The relationship between Alex and his parents—Uma in particular—ranges from inscrutable to weird (the intimate body language between mother and son in the coming-out scene is borderline creepy), and while, yes, we support people getting on PrEP, that speech felt dropped in by A.I. You’re totally right about the stakes being very confused. The political implications, good or bad, of this relationship are never made clear, though at least in Henry’s case we have a brief confrontation with King Stephen Fry about what it means to be a figurehead. (Hint: you really don’t get to have that much of a private life!)
But on the question of “coming out” generally, I just kept thinking that the whole thing felt very ’90s. That’s not to say that people don’t still need to navigate coming out! Obviously they do. But Alex’s whole spiel about “self-determination” and “privacy” as a public figure felt very dusty and kind of retrograde—I think most people in 2023 agree that, if you are in a position of influence and can come out safely (as these men certainly can), you should! And compared to the virulent trans- and homophobia that is currently engulfing the real United States, I just cannot care very much about a handsome masc celebrity’s hurt feelings.
Overall
Nadira: We usually end Sex Reviews with a final rating on our certified scale: How horny did consuming this Thing leave you, on a scale of 1 to 10? For me, this gets a 2.5, 3 max. There are some pretty hot make-outs, but other than that, Red, White & Royal Blue leaves a lot to be desired on the horniness front. It almost feels like the movie forgot it was supposed to be a sexy movie and threw a few scenes in to keep up appearances. (And yes, I would also agree that the “coming out scene” felt like a producer went, “Oh, we’re making a gay movie? Just make sure you mention these three things.” And they threw them all into one paragraph.) If you’re going to have an R-rated movie, you should show at least one orgasm, or what was it all for? Overall, I had fun! But that had a lot more to do with the movie’s campy nature than anything else.
Bryan: I’m gonna give it a 2, and that’s only because, if nothing else, there are some sexy men in this thing. (I feel like Henry’s personal assistant, Shaan Srivastava, played by Akshay Khanna, kinda stole the giant wedding cake on that front—you cannot tell me that they hadn’t been going at it behind the palace gates.) But no points from me for the central relationship or sexual expressions thereof—it was all just too coy and boring! I am sure this movie will be gently titillating to the fanfic-y straight women for whom it largely seems designed, but, speaking as an avowed gay homosex-s-ual, it did not make my clock strike 12.
