How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband quit drinking (after almost 15 years of alcoholism) about two years ago. With that has come an almost 60-pound weight loss. He went from a solid 6’2” 200-pound guy drinking a 12 pack a day to a skeletal shadow of himself. Six months worth of blood tests confirm he’s perfectly healthy, just with an insanely fast metabolism. No matter how much or what he eats, he just doesn’t gain weight (I, on the other hand, look at a cupcake wrong and gain 5 pounds). And it’s done something really weird to our sex life.
Now, our sex is sex not only infrequent, but I’m having a really hard time with intimacy because when we do end up in bed, he’s so boney (no pun intended) that it’s not only difficult (his hip bones are sharp!) but the vibe and desire just aren’t there anymore for either of us. We’ve tried all sorts of positions and other types of play, but it’s just not the same. We went from sex 2-3 times a week to once every 6-8 weeks.
I love my husband with all my heart and he’s incredibly strong to have gotten sober, and he’s also an amazing partner and father, but the sex is just no longer appealing. His interest is near zero most of the time and I feel so shallow because his sobriety and health are so much more important, but I miss our sex life, and the skeleton look just doesn’t do it for me. Is there a way to figure out a way forward?
—Jack Skeleton’s Wife
Dear Jack Skeleton’s Wife,
One way to look at this is that you and your husband are actually compatible at this depressing time: Neither of you seem to be much interested in sex with each other. Some would use this as an occasion for counseling or a two-person book club of Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity. Others would consider opening the relationship, reasoning that since you don’t want to have sex with each other, you might as well have sex with others. All of these are options you could pursue. Sex doesn’t need to be the centerpiece of a loving relationship; it doesn’t need to play any role in a loving relationship at all, in fact. Its lack may indicate larger problems afoot, but not necessarily. You can just accept the fact that sex isn’t popping off at the moment, acknowledge that the relationship is well worth staying in, and embrace this moment as your sexless era. It’s a hard choice to make, but life would be less interesting and rewarding without the hard choices.
It’s worth considering the impact alcohol (and, separately, sobriety) can have on a person’s sex life. It could be that the shift was so great two years ago, and you haven’t quite figured out what sex looks like when your husband is sober. If this seems like something you haven’t fully worked through, perhaps a sex therapist who specializes in addiction could be of service.
Finally, I don’t know of any way for you to rewire yourself to be attracted to your husband’s current body, but you can certainly try focusing on his humanity in the rare sexual situations you do have. You didn’t sign up for scrawny, but this is someone you love, someone you describe as an “amazing partner,” so attempt to shift your focus beyond the aesthetic. This is someone who makes you feel good, so try to frame sex as a way to make him feel good. I know that’s antithetical to Perel’s general guidance regarding how creating distance between you and your partner can help the erotic charge, but yours is a unique predicament that may require a unique solution. If you envision sex as a way to bond and share something else with this person that you already share so much with, could it move the needle? Maybe not, but I think the thought exercise is worth a try.
—Rich
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